REVOLUTION

I think I can safely say, without fear of contradiction that this is one of the most wretched movies of all time. It's not even good on a BAD level, like Billy the Kid versus Dracula or any such schlock fest. It's just purely unwatchable. I've had this thing lying around for about 3 years or so, and I have still yet to be bored enough to actually allow it to play through without putting heavy pressure on the fastforward button.

The plot itself is simple enough. The revolutionary war of America. Then begins the intracacies of bad filmmaking:

• Case in point: Pacino daringly rescues his son, whose feet have been whipped by British troops. Indians take them to their camp, where they cauterize his feet. Now. If there were say, a thirty second scene of this- Pacino holds his already in pain son, they burn him, he screams- we get the idea. It hurts. It sucks, wow, feel the empathy and move on. Guess again. We get to go through this process (hold, talk, scream, rock, wince) no less than four times. By the end of it, you want to reach through the screen and chop the kids feet off.

• Bad Dialogue-I should amend that and say "awful", but let's just assume that's what I mean when I say "bad"- to be kind. Pacino has the distinct tendency to make anything that comes out of his mouth become "Scarface visits the Colonies". You can't explain it, you can only watch the screen with a stupefied stare.

Revolution, which came out in 1985, was filmed (just FEEL the irony) entirely in England. Pardon me, but isn't this a film that pretty much bashes the country at every turn? What better place to film it than on the Queen's soil, what? Al Pacino plays Tom Dobb, whose kid, Ned, is captured by the British and made to become a drummer boy.

"come, they told Ned, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.
We'll kill an epic dead, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.
We have some scenes to shoot, Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Let's waste the studio's loot, Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum"

So he saves him, and in so doing comes to believe in the Revolution and fights for it's cause. Meanwhile, rebellious Daisy McConnahay (Natassja Kinski) is fighting with her mom, who wants her daughters to court and marry two english officers for station. One is gross, and the other one is Lord Hampton (Richard). Sadly, I can't say that the powdered wig look is really going well for him.

Anyway, Daisy stabs Hampton in the crotch with a British flag.

"Madam, your Daughters are whores!"

One interesting thing (from a Richard perspective- which by the way is about the ONLY interesting thing about this movie- and then only somewhat) is that Richard swears more in this role than I have heard him yet to date. "Bitch" comes through quite frequently in his few lines of dialogue. Sounds pretty cool, too, if you ask me. :-)

We next see Lord Hampton on a "fox hunt". But being as they're in America (in the film, anyway) they can't seem to find any foxes, so they hire Pacino and some other guy to run for them with this dummy. The other guy runs away, which gives us another classic Pacino line (not) and Hampton, the dogs and riders finally catch up to him, and cut him free after proclaiming that the dummy is George Washington.

Our last Richard scene is a bit later in the film. Daisy McConnahay visits the village where Tom and Ned are staying, and Hampton rides up behind her and chops her. (which means dead, by the way) Another "B" word, and no more Ritz bits.

And here's a few pictures and sound files to peruse:

(I offer this service as a goodwill gesture. The things on this page are the only things of interest in this movie. For God's sake, don't watch it. And don't blame me if you do.)

Pictures:
Lord Hampton on his horse
A close up while on his horse
An even closer close-up. (sheeeeesh)
Hampton on the rampage
The questionable picture (another "could be Richard, whadya think?")

Sounds:
-Your daughters are whores, Madam. All of them. Whores. (wav) (RealAudio)
-Are these the men, Sergeant Major? (Yes, sir) I see. Well, uh, get them suited up. (RealAudio)
-Now look. Uh, you're being paid handsomely for this, and we want some good sport. So uh, see you earn your money. (wav) (RealAudio)
-It's not- it can't be! Oh look! It's Georgie Washington! Poor old chap seems to have run out of puff! Developing a soft spot for him, are we? I think we'll have to put him out of his misery. So ends the American dream, what? (RealAudio)
-Ten sovereigns the big one doesn't last the course. It's the little man you have to watch out for. (RealAudio)
-Daisy McConnahay! You traitorous bitch! (wav)

There you have it. :-)