Mephistopheles: Will you welcome please... those sweet Angels of song... the Fabulous Frockettes!

Song-Must Be Mephistopheles Smith

(performed by the Frockettes)


Who's that angel born in hell?
That everybody knows so well?
Who makes you stammer with their infernal glamour?
Who's got a name that's hard to spell?
Who affects the way you feel?
The patron saint of sex appeal?
Who makes you clamor for the eternal slammer?
Who has the legs to make you squeal?
Who owns the soul of a Rock 'n' Roll riff?
Why it's very very possibly Mephistopheles Smith!

Who comes in the night and gets you dreaming steaming screaming?
Who loves to scare you stiff?
(stiff, stiff, stiff, stiff, stiff)
Demon of the night
Demon of delight
Must be Mephistopheles Smith

Who's everybody's fantasy?
Who's everybody's man to see?
Who's that slick looker the philosophic hooker?
Who always gives a damn for free?
Who taught them sport in paradise?
Who was the author of our vice?
Who stopped us slinking and went and got us thinking?
Who's sort of naughty sort of nice?
Who is the fact of an actual myth?
Why it's very very possibly Mephistopheles Smith!

Who comes in the night and gets you dreaming steaming screaming?
Who loves to scare you stiff?
(stiff, stiff, stiff, stiff, stiff)
Demon of the night
Demon of delight
Must be Mephistopheles Smith!
Demon of the night
Demon of delight
Must be Mephistopheles Smith!
Demon of the night
Demon of delight
Must be Mephistopheles Smith!

(VO) There he is, the horny little Devil himself, Mephistopheles Smith!

Mephistopheles: How the Hell are ya?

Song-Disgracefully Yours

Well I wanna say hello to the Human race,
I wanna stop a while and put a smile on your face
If I like what I see, then we'll go back to your place
And I'll be Disgracefully Yours

I don't care about your color or your race or creed,
We'll have fun if you're a mongrel or you're pedigreed,
I on;y want to thrill you and fulfill your need
But I'll be Disgracefully Yours

I'm inclined to spit and bite a bit and scratch you
(but he finds that most don't mind behind locked doors)
So I suggest you get undressed and let me catch you
(He'll be distastefully, disgracefully all yours)

You may see yourself above me on some other plain,
But I know somehow you're thinking of me now and again,
So sell yourself to Hell and we'll let Heaven reign,
And I'll be Disgracefully Yours

(Sax solo)

(He's inclined to spit and bite a bit and scratch you)
But I find that most don't mind behind locked doors
(He suggests you get undressed and let him catch you)
I'll be distastefully, disgracefully all yours

You may see yourself above me on some other plain,
But I know somehow you're thinking of me now and again,
So sell yourself to Hell and we'll let Heaven reign,
And I'll be Disgracefully Yours
I'll be Disgracefully
(Oh so distastefully)
I'll be Disgracefully Yours

Mephistopheles: Praise to you, yeah, brothers and sisters- Praise Yourselves. Praise Yourselves! Brothers and sisters, I'm the bearer of bad tidings. I bring unto thee a message of sweetest joy. Oh happy happy day.

Yeah. Spandex is back.

Brothers and sisters, have you been kind to yourselves today, have you? Have you been kind to yourselves? (Yeah!) And did you thank yourselves for being kind to yourself? Did you do that thing?

We should do that every day. We should thank ourselves, for being kind to ourselves. We should bless ourselves, we should praise ourselves. I want you to put your hands in the air, brothers and sisters!

Put your hands up! Put 'em high! I want you to say after me: I want you to say "Hey, me"
(Hey, me!)
"I feel Great!"
(I feel great!)
"I like myself"
(I like myself)
I Bless myself
(I Bless myself)
And I praise myself
(And I praise myself)

Now while your hands are still up there, I want you to clap them real slow. Yeah. Ok...

(Piano Riff)

Song- Praise Yourself

Let's put our hands together and let's praise ourselves
Praise ourselves, oh yeah.
Just put your hands together and let's praise ourselves
Praise ourselves, oh yeah.
Put your hands on your head, put your hands on your knees
Put your hands on your titties and give a little squeeze
Put your hands together and praise yourself,
Praise ourselves.

Praise ourselves
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Praise ourselves
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Praise ourselves

Praise yourself!
Oh yeah.

Mephistopheles: Remember that song and sing it to yourself in the bath- you'll feel better for it. You will indeed. Brothers and sisters, for those of you who are confused and you think you're watching Sinead O'Connor getting in touch with her inner child- my name is Smith. Mephistopheles Smith. Mephistopheles is the name, and your salvation is my game. I am the Evangelist for Hell, yez I am...

(a little evil laugh here) I'm gonna have a good time with you guys tonight, I know that.

Mephistopheles is, of course, from the Greek- and it freely translates as "The shutter of Light"!

(tender piano interlude)

Did they get that fucking wrong or what? That has to be the Pavarotti of misnomers.

But what's in a name? What's in a name? I've had a lot of names over the centuries, yes I have. I used to be called the "Horned God". I liked that. I was also called the "Rotting Goat", which is strange because I'm not a Capricorn. To the Babylonians I was Inkadube ... a dink-a-doo, a dink-a-doo...

I was the herd of Pan, of course... and the boocha- the boogeyman. I never liked that one. I've had a lot of bad press, a lot of bad names. A lot of vile things have been said about me. And I couldn't blame you if you were to hold me in despair and horror, and think of me as a despicable little shit, I couldn't blame you for that, I mean look at the press I've had over the centuries.

I don't know if any of you are familiar with a German scribbler by the name of Goethe- Dirty Gertie... he wrote a book called Faust? Don't read it. It's a hatchet job. He was the Kitty Kelly of early German literature, yes he was. He gave me a real bad time.

But you know, looking out at your sweet smiling faces, I don't think you're going to give me a bad time here tonight, because I can see the flush of enjoyment on all of your faces from being all released back into the community, I know you're happy about that. So we're gonna have a good time. Because you are blessed- you're Angels.

And I see there's a few Angels among Angels. I see there's sister Stephanie down here. I see there's brother David up there, brother Howie, sister Sarah, sister Lulu. You're all here- angels among angels- each and every one of you Angels.

And I want to tell you in song if I may, how very much I love you all. And how dearly you are held in this demonic heart.

Song-Angel In Me

I should call you an angel, it's because I think you're divine
But you must make sure that you don't change at all.
Or I just might change my mind.
I've loved many a woman and left many a man
Between the Devil and the deep blue sea
But you've got something I don't understand
And it brings out the Angel In Me

(Oh yes you do, yes you know it's true)

For many nights and many days I've loved the thought of you
Through many years, too many tears, you know I sought for you.
You gave this iron fist a velvet glove
And when we kissed, that's when I fell in love
Maybe I'm a devil, but this time I'm on the level
And you bring out the Angel in Me

(Oh yes you do, yes you know it's true)

I called it fun, like hit-and-run, a game of peek-a-boo.
I'd climb inside my Mr. Hyde and come and seek for you
I've been insane with pain and jealousy
But now I'll change all that, just wait and see
Maybe I'm a demon, and maybe I'm just dreaming
But you bring out the Angel in Me

Oh yes you do,
Yes, you know it's true
Oh yes you do,
Yes, you know it's trueOh yes you do,
Yes, you know it's true

Mephistopheles-Hey, yeah, that's nice! You know we should party together some time. I'm a party animal, I love a party- yes I do. And as a party animal, I keep asking myself- "What is it- what is that one- that one ingredient that makes a party really start to kick ass?" Well of course the locking of genitals with a complete and utter stranger on top of the bed with all the coats on it, that's got a lot going for it, yes it has.

But I have to say I always get a smile on my face by the welcome appearance of brother booze. Yes, I do. Thank you, brother Simon- you're so 'Sympatico'.

Booze is great. And why is it great? I'll tell you why it's great. It's an icebreaker. It's a mood swinger, it's an ego-releasing bullshit enhancer, that's why. What more could you ask for? Some people say they require witty conversation, but why the fuck should we waste it on them? Excuse me.

Yeah. Booze is a drug, what about other drugs? Do you know- you obviously do- I know- that grown-ups, sane intellignent people take drugs, take mind altering substances knowing full well that it's going to fuck up their day. And I have to say it works. It's good.

But I have to say the one thing that really makes a party start to lift off is when you have that nostril flaring, sphincter tightening, sexual electro-magnetic attraction with someone- or some THING that is also present. And let's face it- we've all had a fling with a thing, haven't we. Yes, we have. It's me up here...

I know a young man of my acquaintance, gonna call him brother X. He went steady with a refrigerator for three years. Story has a tragic ending, the refrigerator finally broke it off. He of course was devastated. He walked round with his heart on his sleeve- looked disgusting, picking up bits of his wooly.

So there we've had drugs and sex as two party favors, two little ingredients to help a party start to lift off and have a good evening, all we need now is the blessed rock'n'roll to solidate- CONsolidate, that's the word I'm looking for- consolidate that unholy trinity of drugs, sex, and rock'n'roll.

And with respect and regard to that particular tripartheid I can offer thee. I always employ the following criteria. Feel free to do the same if you should wish to.

Hit it, brother Clem- it goes like this:

Song- Let's get to the Heart of It

If it makes you feel young
And it makes you feel fit
I don't wanna get stung,
Not even any part of it.

How long do you have to perform
With your engine cut to the floor
You're forever trying to weather the storm

So Let's get to the heart of it.
Oo,oo
Let's get to the heart of it.
Oo,oo

If it makes you feel old
And it makes your teeth grit
I don't wanna catch a cold
I'd rather play my party bit

How long do we all have to wait
Before we finally get it all straight
Tomorrow it could be too late!

So Let's get to the heart of it
Oo,oo
Let's get to the heart of it.

Two men preaching in the darkness
But do they seek the same thing?
Finders, keepers, losers, weepers,
But you need everything

Let's get to the Heart of it.
Oo,oo
(Yeah) Let's get to the Heart of it

Well if it makes you brain dead
Or even just a half-wit
I don't wanna play the game
I'd rather play my part and split

How many rounds do we have to fight?
Before we meet on that sweet holy night?
We're like dynamite about to ignite

So let's get to the Heart of it
oo,oo
Let's get to the Heart of it

(guitar solo)

Two men preaching in confusion
But do they mean the same thing?
Different blokes need different strokes
But you need everything

So let's get to the Heart of it
oo,oo
Let's get to the Heart of it

Let's get to the Heart of it

Oh, let's get to the Heart of it.

Mephistopheles: I guess what I've been talking about, brothers and sisters, dearly beloved, sweet angels... is choices, basically. You've got a lot of choices- not as many as you think you have, but you've got a few. But you're gonna have to make a big choice sooner or later, because you should make it. And I'm talking about Heaven and Hell, brothers and sisters, yes I am. Up or down.

The choice is yours, yeah it is. And if you don't make it, someone's gonna make it for you- you know they are.

And believe me- winding up in a place you don't want to be for eternity can really piss a person off.

Now I'm gonna tell you- gonna give you a few choices, examples, make a few comparisons for you.

What can Heaven offer you?

Well, the best it can offer you is floating around with a sad smile on your face. To the so-called strains of Heavenly music. (hums a tune) We got assholes down there that can do better than that. Idiots. Excuse me?

You've all seen God's trainspotters- do you want to spend eternity with them?

Now, I'm not gonna bullshit you- we've got trainspotters too. We call em anorexics. We got em. I get a lot of fat Canadians. They've read HP Lovecraft and they're hooked. But you know, we try to discourage them, yes we do... but there's a theological loophole and we had to let a lot of them through the gate, we do-I'm sorry.

But I can promise you this. You will never see them. You will never ever lay eyes on them, they got their own floor. We put em all on their own. And the paradox of that situation is they think they're in Heaven. So every now and again we go in and scare the shit out of them. They like it- they talk about it for days- years.

Now yes, if you do go to Heaven, you could possibly meet someone like say- Joan of Arc. But she's mad, and so are you if that's what you want. So what do you want to do? You want to spend eternity with Mad Joan, or would you rather say- come down to the Club Inferno... get fucked stupid by a couple of satyrs, relax in the steam room- then go through the VIP lounge and have a drink with Jimi Hendrix

(I can live with that, girl!)

You gotta weigh up the comparisons... weigh em up yourselves, I'm not gonna force you here- I'm not proselytizing, but I'm gonna throw a few more comparisons past you, just to make my point:

Song- Who the Hell wants to go to Heaven?

Who the hell wants to Africa and somewhere without snow?
Who the Hell wants to drop an aspirin when your headache's bound to blow?
Who the Hell wants to play a has-been on a mid-day TV show?
And who the Hell wants to go to Heaven,
Yeah, who the Hell wants to go?
When there's a hot time down below

And who the Hell wants to listen in mono now that we got we got stereo?
And who the Hell wants to look at Madonna now that we've all seen Monroe?
Who the hell wants to get in the sauna with a second left or so?
And who the Hell wants to go to Heaven,
Yeah, who the Hell wants to go?
When there's a hot time down below.

You may say it proselytizing
But I couldn't give a damn
We're not intent on being enterprising
No, I'm only voicing choices, yes I am

Who the Hell wants a lousy dollar when they owe us real dough?
And who the Hell wants to live in squalor, rather than a great chateau?
And who the Hell wants to hoot and hollar when the troops cried "Tally Ho"?
And who the Hell wants to go to Heaven,
Yeah, who the Hell wants to go?
When there's a hot time down below.

(Hoe down time!)

(guitar solo)

Who the Hell wants a late departure on the way to a rock-n-roll show?
And who the Hell reads Jeffery Archer and not Edgar Allan Poe?
And who the Hell wants a compund fracture as opposed to a glancing blow?
And who the Hell wants to go to Heaven,
Yeah, who the Hell wants to go?
When there's a hot time down below.

You may say we go to blazes
Well that couldn't bother me
The question's up when you start pushing daises
Where is it that you would rather be?

Who the hell wants to sleep in a manger when their fortunes running low?
Who the Hell wants to give the Lone Ranger (?) with his friend Tonto?
Who the Hell wants to dance with a stranger rather than the Devil they know?
And who the Hell wants to go to Heaven,
Yeah, who the Hell wants to go?
When there's a hot time
Oh, down below.

PART 2